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Monday, July 03, 2006Inferiority complex
I don't know why I'm thinking about this right now..but I am.
Ever since I was like 7 or so, I had suffered from a great deal of mental conditions. One of them was my "inferiority complex". I would always put myself down and never attempt to achieve anything in school out of fear of success and feeling like I didn't deserve anything good in life. And suprisingly, my parents never seemed to notice anything wrong with me. They were directly responsible, now that I look back at it. Both of them were too busy working out their problems and both my parents worked at that time. I'm sure it wasn't their intention and I am not angry at them, but they could have done so much to me by just giving me a bit of support and attention as a child. It grew so bad that I remember being accepted to some arts program at the Art Institute of Chicago when I was 11 or so and I never told my parents because "they'd never want to pay anything for me.". I guess I had some talent back then, I don't know. Most of my childhood is a blur anyway and I try not to pick my brain out for tortureous details. Up until a few years ago, I still suffered from that. I would purposely put myself out in dangerous situations, such as one night stands, drinking binges and other stuff because I felt I didn't deserve any better and would be lucky if I died. Horrible. But I'm not sure what happened, and I'm sure it sounds corny, but I truly believe God was with me this whole time. While I still don't feel I am living to my full potential as a person and as a fitting member of society, I can now say that I am happy with who I am, I love the crazy things and details about myself that make me who I am and more importantly, I'm happy to be able to wake up everyday. Sorry about this ramble here, I think the cough syrup is playing tricks on me..*cough* posted by musicbeing at 5:33 PM
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8 Comments:
WOW, I totally understand where you come from... word.
7:37 PM, July 03, 2006
I just noticed that I am on your "Links". I feel so important, you just made my damn day. Silly, heh?
7:41 PM, July 03, 2006
Dr. Lin!!! Hasta que te pones, hijo.
Awww. *hugs*. Glad to see I wasn't the only troubled child. But it's all behind me. Now I only focus on the now...but on the darker side, I can't focus on the future for those very reasons. I can be very pessimistic ndeed.
And yes, u are on my links, even though u don't ever update your shit.
6:48 PM, July 05, 2006
It's when I read things like this I can understand why you say and do some of things you do. I am glad you have gotten through those hard times. My life, and the lives of others, would be the same had we never met you. My only words of wisdom though is to keep in mind the experiences you have lived aren't universal. The things you may associate with these dark and negative years in your life don't necessarily hold true for others. I think this is why sometimes you can seem like you are passing judgement or being over critical of others.
7:01 PM, July 05, 2006
oops, above I meant to say 'would NOT be the same had we never met you'
7:02 PM, July 05, 2006
Pues si, aqui estoy. Otra vez.
You know what, I am glad that you were a troubled child, there is way too many people that had a bland childhood. And I am glad that you are able to pin point that and not blame it on television or computers, or the lead levels in your house.
I have been bloggin' on myspace. I am a big myspace whore now. Maybe I should transfer that stuff here, but it's different.
7:13 PM, July 06, 2006
Good to hear that you put it behind you and moved on. I'm starting to think that the whole troubled childhood, gay thing, go together.
11:34 PM, July 07, 2006
Nah, I doubt that. I know lots of "straight" people (I hate that label) who've had fucked up childhoods too. Besides, I remember being queer at a very young age, much before the weight of the world did its damage on me. I wore daddies T-shirts and pretended they were dresses
7:42 AM, July 12, 2006
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