An Honorary Spanish Diva, I am

Hey hey..

I slept for 14 hours today! Holy shit! What's wrong with me?! I haven't done that since I was a kid. I used to be able to sleep all day if allowed. Now I'm an insomniac, perhaps it's catching up to me. I'm going to look like an old man by the time I'm 30. I already act like one.

When I was lying in bed earlier today, don't ask why but I flashed back to 2002, when I reached my peak and my dissilusionment in men. I had spent the last 2 years at that point going out and fucking whomever I met online, at libraries and coffee shops (I was and am a nerd) and anywhere else. And in 2002 I was very promiscuous..I was in shape. I had money and everything. I figured I was happy. So at that time I was actually looking for something serious. I would meet a guy with good intentions, and of course they supposedly were into something serious. HOW WRONG THEY WERE. Don't ever let men fool you, they all lie. Every guy supposedly wanted something serious..we'd go out, la lalala, make out, fuck if applicable but soon as the next day comes or the next date comes (as I never went out on more than 2 dates with someone), they'd always tend to get bored with me and just not call me anymore. And I am not one of those persistent losers either, if I call you and you don't call me back, I stop. So alot of that happened.

I used to get really sad about that, I really did. I felt I had alot of love to give and everytime something like that happened, I would really let it get to me and brought back down my self esteem, and I turned 14 all over...feeling like there was something wrong with me, that I was a freak and no one with decency would ever want anything to do with me. That's a rather harsh state of mind but it's the truth. You can be so sure of yourself and put yourself out there and open yourself up to people but as soon as you get treated in such a shady way like not acknowledging you afterwards, no matter who you are it hurts, even if it was by your own permission.

I grew bitter and snapped out of it though. I realized, and it's the truth for those of you reading and feeling the same way, that whoever doesn't see all the good that you have in you and all your effort in letting someone in your heart, than this person doesn't deserve your time. This person is the unlucky fool who fails to see what a treasure you are, because anyone who feels these kinds of feelings is a true lover.

So, by the end of 2002, I was fed up with all men. I developed an equally unfair mentality in thinking ALL GAY MEN ARE SEXUAL BEASTS AND NOT PEOPLE. They're all the same and only only only want sex..and once they get it from you, they get bored. Love is not possible with gay men, they're just driven by dick and not thoughts. If being gay was not about sex but rather common interests and compassion, then what is stopping you from dating a woman if it isn't about the sex? This was my state of mind back then as a result of my mistreatement from all the guys I supposedly dated with serious intentions back then. So I saved up alot of money as I was living with my parents, quit my job at a Telephone Service Company and went away for a few months to Mexico. I was happy....but alone. That's a whole other chapter of my life story though.

I'm really glad to realize I was wrong about gay men. Because had I not met my life saver, my man, my boo boo..I would have lived my life alone. I truly believe I found the biggest exception..an equally weird guy, just like me. And if this doesn't work out, then I really will know I gave it my all and that love in the gay world really isn't possible. I will be through and live my life as a lonely soul with 10 dogs.